Dad

Visiting Aunt Lola

Dad's shadow


Today I remember Dad. He was such a good man. And an even better father. I remember my dad being kind, loving, and funny. He loved being outside and he had a green thumb. I remember his voice and his laugh. And I remember his colossal sneezes that I could sometimes hear from all the way out in the front yard and I remember his snoring. He was a great BBQ griller and he loved his double cheese burger from IN N' OUT. It's strange to think that he's been gone now for as long as he was physically present as my father. Fourteen years sounds like such a long time.

Each year it's a little different. The anniversary often releases memories and emotions that I keep buried during the rest of the year. Both the pleasant and unpleasant ones. Not knowing what to expect today I decided that what I needed was to go where I could feel a little more connected to him. So Erik and I packed some things and headed out to Azusa Canyon. It was beautiful. The creek was a full rushing blue-green river because of the recent heavy rains and the sound of it bounced off the canyon walls. The hillsides were green and hawks flew overhead. It was a day that Dad would have loved.

Today I felt Peace.

It was as though he was walking with us on the trail today.

Trapped!

Rain. It's a much needed quenching of the dry and thirsty southern California soil. It's a gift from above. Rejoice!

I felt very thankful for the first storm.

"Good!" I thought, "Now all I want to do is watch the rain. I'll just kick back and let myself relax...no errand running. No driving. No going anywhere...this is great!" And it was.

Then there were a couple more rainy days. And I could feel my feet itching to get outside. But it was coming down too hard to bike anywhere. "OK...I can handle another afternoon cozied up in our house. No biggie."

And then there was the last storm. The one that finally stole my sanity.

I sat and listened to the rain as the white noise it had become. Picked up a book. Put it down. Picked up a couple others. Put them back on the shelf. I was frustrated with my incredible disinterest and with the noise of the rain. Feeling Zombie-like I picked up some yarn and sort of unconsciously crocheted a beanie and listened to a podcast about OCD that left me wondering, "Do I have OCD?". Not helping. At all. I finished the beanie and added it to the grocery bag full of beanies I've made, feeling annoyed that I've made so many for no apparent reason. (Anyone want one?) I saw that Jake's expression captured my inner state perfectly and so I grabbed the camera, took some photos and sat down again.

"What I wouldn't give to be able to work on the garden right now...or to go for a run or even a frickin WALK!"

And I had my Charlie Brown moment.

"AAAaaaaaarrrrrgggggh!"

The rain poured down heavier and seemed to say sinisterly,

"Youuuuuuuu are ttttraaaaapppppped! Mmmmwwwaaaahahahaha!"

"I. NEED. OUT!!!"

I'm afraid my patience has been waring because as much as I like the idea of being stuck at home with nothing better to do but curl up with a good book and listening to the sound of falling rain I am eventually and inevitably possessed by a force more powerful than the thunderstorm that rattles our windows. I'm talking about severe cabin fever. Being cooped up for too long and at the the mercy of Jake's (our beagle) bathroom breaks has left me feeling a little crazy. OK...REALLY crazy.

So, today I thank God for sunshine by taking myself and my dog for a much needed and appreciated hike through Eaton Canyon. but not before washing my hands 7 times. ;) Just kidding.

Gotta love the freebees...

Yesterday, I did my fair share of tree climbing. We have this great avocado tree in our backyard that is just FULL of the most delicious avocados. And as much as I LOVE eating avocados...I have my limit. They are too good to NOT share with people. So, with my backpack heavy with those bright green beauties I made my way to the Pasadena Armory Center for the Arts for the free market bazaar. I also brought a box of random things that were really just taking up space in our little house. As I was walking toward the Armory I saw people heading the same direction, boxes and bags of STUFF in hand. I saw a girl leaving the event with her own bag of new found goodies AND a snowboard! Hosted by the Arroyo Time Bank, this event brought many together to give their unwanted or unneeded things a loving home. All kinds of things were set out on tables, where they were sorted and snatched up by enthusiastic participants. One persons trash really is another persons treasure

There was definitely a good vibe going on. After all, how could there not? There were free clothes, shoes, books, household items, toys, and jewelry among other things. And to top it off there was an impressive food table where people set out bags of fresh fruit picked from backyard trees, cakes, and salads. I saw a couple people bring in trays of sandwiches they had so generously made for everyone.

There is something so cool about the redistribution of goods, especially when you are directly involved. As I put out my stuff people immediately gravitated.

"These are BEAUTIFUL dishes!" one woman said.
"They're yours for the taking." I said.
"Wow! Thank you. I needed some of these." she said.

Now she wont have to buy any. When Erik showed up after he got off work we spotted another woman who found the stuff I set out. You could tell she was excited to have found them. And they were just sitting on a shelf at our place. Unloved and unused.

Most of us have so much STUFF that, when we get totally honest with ourselves, we just don't need. We all hold on to our stuff for lots of reasons...
Guilt is a big one. That sweater mom gave you for Christmas 2 years ago that you've maybe worn two times (when she came over for dinner or something :)), yeah...get rid of it. Someone out there could use another layer. Why not give it to someone who thinks it's the best sweater in the whole universe? I promise I wont tell Mom.

So, I told you what I gave away. Those avocados were gone before I could turn around. Want to know what I got? for FREE?! only the best thing I could have found there...

a cast iron skillet!!!

I've been wanting one for a while and it literally just appeared before my eyes!

Ahhh the beauty of redistribution.

Jake the model

So, I turned around and caught Jake acting like a human again. It's funny. It weirds me out sometimes though. He sits like this in the back seat of our car too. Just staring out the window...looking human-like.

He's a good pup.

Happy Birthday!

As I bid farewell to my twenty-seventh year I wonder what twenty-eight will bring.

It’s funny how life is always changing from moment to moment let alone year to year. But I believe people stay the same. Obviously our appearances change. We gain or lose weight, height, muscle mass, hair, good posture, and teeth. The way we express ourselves often changes. We learn or forget how to gather our thoughts and feelings down on the page, into music, through movement and on stage and in conversation. Our interests will change. We pick them up or toss them aside like stones. Some more precious than others. Human relationships inevitably change and can trick us into believing that we are somehow better or worse because we are accepted or rejected by, or date or are married to “so and so”. They are all leaves on a tree. Growing. Dying. Falling. Drying up.

But we are the same. I am the same person I have always been. You are the same person you have always been.

Thank God the entangled mass of choking vines of great expectations, insecurity, failure, fear, death -to name a few- do not and have never defined us! Our losses and our gains are but leaves. Withering grasses. Our greatest achievements are but dust. We are free from it all!

Now, to learn to simply be. Just be.

I hope that my 28th year is everything it is meant to be. Life abundant!

I found my other blog...

...and I've decided to transform it into something else. There was only one entry so I'm storing it here with the rest of my reflective writings. It's a novel. It was supposed to be the first of a handful of writings about our trip to Guatemala last summer, but it still stands alone. Maybe I'll dig up my travel journal and pick up where I left off.

Friday, August 29, 2008
Guatemala 2008
GUATEMALA AUGUST 2008

We’ve been back for a couple of weeks. The trip is beginning to feel more and more like a dream to me. Everything is beginning to get a little fuzzy, which is why I am writing all of this down now, before my memory escapes me. For me Guatemala was an incredibly positive experience. Beautiful. Rich. It was Holy and difficult. Difficult? Yes, at times it was extremely challenging, but the challenge and the act of being stretched to the limit at times is what gave this experience such deep value. I am speaking only for myself though, understanding that my experience was not the experience of some of my friends who shared in this particular adventure.
For some “home” couldn’t come soon enough. People were tired and tattered from the seemingly endless days and sometimes nights of trekking through valleys and over mountains. One hike after another would lead to one unexpected problem to the next; a giant domino effect of misfortune. A broken ankle, some broken spirits, and a lot of broken trust made it difficult for some to see below the surface of all the discomfort people were experiencing.
Needless to say, this was not an easy trip. I experienced fatigue and frustration just like the rest of the team. And I spent the latter half of the trip sick with diarrhea, but it’s all part of the package of being in a foreign country. I signed up for this and never regretted it for a single moment.
This trip was probably the most physically demanding experience of my life so far. But it was freeing and I have been in desperate need to experience even a taste of freedom from comfortable day-to-day living in Pasadena. For the first time I felt the necessity and joy in shedding some of the extra baggage that I carry as a privileged American. All of the comforts of being clean and dry and safe were not at our disposal like they are here in the states. But I learned that there are very few comforts that I actually need. Sometimes these comforts are only weights that slow us down. In fact the more I tried to hold on to them the tougher it was to make it through the difficult times. I was being taught surrender.
I figure that I will write about the trip story by story when I feel inspired or when something jogs my memory. These stories will most likely not be in chronological order…but I am hoping share a lot of what happened with all of you. Enjoy!


Do as the Locals Do…translates into Wear What the Locals Wear…Especially on Your Feet:

The rain was pouring down and we were walking through stretches of cow pasture, through the mud and shit. We were ankle deep in the stuff. We had been for a while now. I brought bad shoes. Sandals in fact. Keens to be more specific. And Keens are not made for this kind of terrain, nor are they made for women who have narrow feet. I have very narrow feet. It was at this point that I started to think about going barefoot the rest of the way. I pictured myself pitching these damned shoes into the jungle as hard as I could. They flew fast into the trees. I’ve always had a good arm. I throw like a boy. At least that’s what I’ve been told. Anyway, I decided against that idea because they were my only pair of shoes and I hadn’t seen any of the locals going barefoot. They were all wearing black rubber boots. I wanted their black rubber boots. “Do as the locals do,” is a concept that I have complete confidence in now. Next time.
I remember before this point in the journey I was carefully stepping to the side of the muddy path, trying as hard as I could to avoid the sludge. This was partly because I had sandals on but I HATE the mud. I’ve always hated it. Even when I played soccer in high school: everyone LOVED playing in the rain because of the mud. They would slide tackle and then rub mud all over their arms and faces, chasing each other and throwing mud at each other like it was a snowball fight. I don’t mind snowball fights. We took pictures at the end of rainy day games because everyone would be so damned dirty and that made for a good and funny group shot. I would be the only clean one. Sparkling…and even though it LOOKED as if I sat the bench it was never the case…I was simply determined not to get muddy. I thought about this every few steps when there was no avoiding the sludge. My foot sunk in deep and emerged with no shoe. “This is going to be a long and frustrating walk,” I thought. By the time we got to the cow pasture it was like we were walking through swamps. I decided that I should get used to it sooner rather than later for my own sake.
God only knows how much beauty I missed because my eyes were scanning the muddy ground for the “cleanest” place to step. Next time I will get some of those rubber boots. As for my Keens…I thought about trashing them. You know…burning them or something. But my mother-in-law told me that she had been looking for shoes like mine only she didn’t want me to be irritated by her copying me. Ha! I gave them over happily and with a strict warning that they are not to be worn for hiking in tropical mountainous places. She was very happy to receive and I was even happier to give those suckers up. Live and learn.

Monterey Bay Aquarium

Erik and I visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium during our road trip in October. It's amazing to think about how there is a whole other world beneath the surface of the ocean. They have a Sea Horse exhibit that is absolutely mind blowing. Those little guys look like the creatures of fairy tales!