Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I want in.

I am filled with hope. As I watched the inauguration ceremony yesterday morning, I felt my anger and frustration toward our country literally melt away. The sea of people united in love and enthusiasm for this new beginning took my breath away. It still takes my breath away. We hunger for peace and love and change. The people of the United Stated had enough faith and hunger in goodness to speak it all into existence. Well done.

Like the ice and bitter cold of a long drawn out winter, the troubles of war and indifference toward our planet and each other seemed as if it would never leave.

But the sun shines. It is warm and promising. And my eyes are directed away from our failures and toward this new light of change.

All I could write in my journal this morning was, "I want in. I want to get in the game." I'm not sure of what my part is in all of this change, but am ready. I don't know if my passion is just a tiny piece of the fire in all of our bellies as a nation, but I want to do my part to contribute. I think a lot of us are ready and willing to take responsibility for our part in building a more loving and peaceful world.

Thank God for his grace and for making all things new.

"Arise, my beloved, my beautiful one, and come!
For see, the winter is past,
The rains are over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth,
The time of pruning the vines has come,
And the song of the dove is heard in our land."
~Song of Songs 2:11-12

Monday, January 19, 2009

You are Invited to my bon fire party

There are few people out there who are completely at peace with themselves. They may like themselves in Summertime but not in Winter because of some sort of change that throws off their routine. They could be happy but guilt follows them around closer than their own shadow. They could break free from old habits but they can't envision themselves any differently. So, they stay put, closing all their windows and doors to sit in the darkness of what is familiar and 'safe', breathing in the stale air that smells of dust and mildew. This could be you. It is certainly me much of the time.

May I introduce to you, my little shack of self-destructive wallowing. Let's call it BlaaaawalloweeepieVille:

I don't really know where I am going at the moment. There are lots of uncertainties. Jobs are proving to be a bit unstable. I am no longer in seminary (by choice..I was NOT banished, though that would make for a much better story). Most of the friends who truly know me have moved far away. And I do not like talking on the telephone so this makes me feel friendless and unknown even when I am not. Here in BlaaawalloweepieVille I make my bed feeling lost and forgotten. It is a lonely little place, but for some reason I do not easily walk away from it. 

But sometimes I do. On good days I open the door and stand outside. This is a good practice. It gets me back in touch with reality again. 

Sitting out on our porch early in the morning I listen to the birds singing their songs and watch the squirrels chase each other up and down the olive tree. They are not worried. They are perfectly at peace with doing what they were made to do. They are content in their song even when the seasons change. 

As I watch them I sink into my own contentment. I breathe in the morning and am happy to be alive. 

And seeing as my overall New Years resolution is to be fully ALIVE and not just going through the motions...especially if they are of the self sabotaging kind, I think it's time to burn BlaaawalloweepieVille to the ground. 

That's good news. 

And even better news is that you are all invited. So bring your lawn chairs, blankets, loved ones, hangers and marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate bars. I have a deep love for bon fire parties.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

My Family

So, I turned 27 on Thursday. It's a little strange to think that I am now into my LATE twenties. Time passes so quickly. Last night we went out to dinner with my mom, Aunt Linda, cousin Greg (who's birthday we were also celebrating), his girlfriend and my other cousin Ryan. Tokyo Waco was an interesting pick. I was amused by our personal chef. He was doing all the tricks and such that most people go there for...but with zero enthusiasm. He was bored. And that made everything funnier for some reason. He made a choo-choo train with a steaming stack of onion rings (noises and all), a Pac-Man with the fried rice, he flipped a few eggs in the air and into his tall white chef hat. 

Anyway, Greg was saying something about our birthdays. He mentioned that he turned 31 and that my turning 27 isn't that bad but when i turn 30 that's when everything goes downhill. That's what a lot of people say. I don't know why. 

At some point during our dinner it hit me. I remember spending birthdays and holidays with my cousins when we would roller-skate in the driveway and play hide and seek. I remember being small. All three of us used to be small and innocent, untouched by the troubles of the world around us. We took to setting up haunted houses and musical performances for the whole family, or if it was late enough we would set up forts with sheets, pillows, tables and chairs. 

I imagined our faces as children and then looked around the table at who we were now. So much has happened. So much death. Death in the form of divorce and suicide and all kinds of 'endings' of the safe and secure little lives we had. Through the last 10 years or so the little family that we all had left quietly drifted apart. I don't think we had enough strength to carry each other through to the other side. It was something that happened. I don't know if it was good or bad necessarily, but each individual turned to walk their own journey and fight their own battles. 

I sat there watching them laugh and talk, or just sit there. I am very thankful for the answered prayer for healing and for becoming a family again. We have come a long way since our birthday parties at Bullwinkles. I am just amazed at how quickly it has all gone by and saddened by the time I've wasted by not being fully present in recent years. 

But I think I'm ready now. I think we're all ready and eager to be a family again. The past is gone. I can't change the times we weren't there for each other, but I can and want to be present now. 

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Small Talk

Hi, I’m new here. I gave up on my other blog about 5 months ago. I may only have written one entry, but it got awesome reviews.

So, one of the many resolutions I made for myself for 2009 is to give this another go.

With the world becoming more and more geared toward computer friendships rather than face to face meet ups for coffee and a friendly chat, I am hoping to make it easier for people to get inside my head by sharing my journey via blog. It has been my experience that the attention span of most people in social situations is shrinking fast these days. Not many stick around long enough to push through the surface conversation. Personally, I would rather skip the song and dance and cut to the chase.

You have to have ZING to keep someone’s attention. And that is why I named my blog, “My Own INCREDIBLE!!!!!! (echoooooo noises) Journey.” That’s the hook. If I could make it flash like Las Vegas, believe me I would.

Not really.

I am very bad at small talk. That’s why I don’t usually participate if it lasts for too long. I can only bullshit for about 30 seconds and then I check out…especially if it’s the same bullshit over and over again. BLAAAH. BLA. BLA.

There is this one woman who liked to introduce herself to us and ask us our names every single Sunday. The conversation would go as follows, word for word:

“Hi there, I’m ------------ .  Are you new here?”

“Not really.”

“Oh. Well, welcome. What are your names?”

“I’m Jamie.”

“I’m Erik. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too Jamie and Aaron. I have to go. Bye!”

We’ve been attending this very small community for about 2 years!  She must have finally got it because she stopped asking a couple of months ago. Good for her. Ha! Oh man…

And that is why I dislike small talk. So much of it is totally stupid.

Erik, my wonderful and thoughtful husband, even got me a ‘How to’ book to build up my small talk skills for my 26th birthday…as a joke of course. We share the same dislike for the stuff. I laughed for hours when I opened that one.

I know I probably lost most of you by now. You might be texting someone or staring at a spot on your wall, or picking your nose. I should really invest in some Las Vegas flashy flash. Or maybe somehow sneak some methylphenidate into your PB&J.

More to come! I know you just can’t wait!